What is Depression Blindness?
I hope this story helps you to understand anyone going through rough times and how you might be able to help them.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about my life, especially the last few years. I have made some huge mistakes along the way as well as some irreparable damage to myself and my family. I have learned a lot too. I am not as strong as I thought I was at one time in my life. I fell apart and became a shattered person beyond even my own recognition of myself. Who was this person that I became? She looks like me but who is she?
The Monster Within
Once upon a time I was fun and more outgoing, then I became a monster to everyone around me. I was hateful, angry and desperate to still live but not in a good way. My life that was once happy-go-lucky turned into a life filled with grief and depression from losing a child. I was filled with all the ugly things that I could not understand. I was lost.
My career in real estate was going to the wayside as I tried to start a business and failed. That failure led to deeper depression and financial abuse. My mindset effected my entire family and even my marriage. I have lost most of my friends due to my inability to be properly effective in my job. I have lost so much because of hate and rage.
I stayed in my home for almost three years after my loss except to do a real estate here and there. Then I created the little business to get me out of the house, but I lost that too. The next three years were up and down with everything that I try to do. Failure after failure because of depression blindness. I was really screwed up.
Time after time I tested the waters to see just how far I could go. My depression blindness kept me from seeing the good around me. I just kept being hateful and destructive. It never seemed to stop. My rampage did not seem to have an off switch. I just kept going full bore with my foot on the gas pedal.
Inside my mind, I was gaining a strong will to not only hate the world but myself as well. The value of my life started to mean nothing to me. Many times, I considered taking my own life and just could not do it. I was weak in every aspect of who I was. “Maybe the world would be better off without me” was my new mantra. That is all I could think of and it was tearing me apart.
A New Start
Counseling did help me a great deal because I needed it. I did not want to accept the fact that I was broken in every aspect of my life. The façade of strength was really just that, a fake front of rebellion. Knock me down and I will get back up. I will be bruised, tattered and bloody but I will fight you because I hate the world and I can show you just how mean I can be. Watch me!
That kind of attitude started to wain as I was sitting there and listening. Parts of me said “RUN” but another part said “LISTEN” and I did. My depression blindness started seeing new colors without the shadows of hate and rage. There was a glimmer of hope for me, but I kept fighting it.
As I slowly made my approach to land back in the real world, I began feeling again. It was strange to FEEL again but it was happening. I was becoming a human again. Tears of pain and sorrow began to flow as I looked back at my lengthy trail of destruction. What have I done?
My New Purpose
A new window opened for me and I started studying psychology of the broken mind. My mind was beginning to understand why loss can create such a hell hole for people. Life Coaching is a new step for me to start to help others in my shoes. My desire to help others is far reaching more than just grief and depression. It is helping others to understand how to gain a better mindset to live a better life. It is really about wanting a better life. My recovery has created a new world for me. It is a world filled with a greater sense of appreciation and respect for what I have in my life. This includes my family and my new perspective on life.
Responsibility and Accountability
Now the time has come for me to clean up my horrendous mess and get my life back together. It has taken some careful planning on my part because I have the will and determination to do this. I am excited about all the new doors and windows that are open now so that I can live again.
PS… my wonderful husband never left my side. He was always there even though I felt like I did not deserve his love or help.