Depression is a Monster

There is not a single day that goes by that I do not face the Monster Within. Welcome to Depression. It has eaten me alive for the past seven years. It is in my brain, my heart and my soul. It has almost taken over my whole being. This depression is all from losing my child. I never dealt with anything like this in my life and it has certainly changed everything that I am.
My depression led me to isolation because I just wanted isolation. Nearly every friend that I have ever had been shut out. I just quit being social because I was in such grief. I tried to do my job as a real estate agent but it started suffering badly. I could not focus on doing it well and my real estate boss or broker would take note and recommend that I take a break until I could do the job. I could not see what he or even they could see. I only knew that I had to keep working but there was a real problem. Grief was my real job at this point.
It was all that I could do to hold a normal conversation and I really sucked at doing that because I would only weep to whoever was around me. It was very sad as I created a world of sadness for them. They did not invite me to be with them to make them sad. They unwillingly became victims of the sad person in front of them. They became very sad for me.
The general population is never ready for someone that filled with sadness. Each person wants to live a life that is as happy as possible without the pain of any kind. When someone like me comes along and inflicts my pain on another person, there is a sympathetic tolerance for that person. It can only last for a short period because it is too much for anyone to deal with unless they specialize to understand the issue at hand.
I faced the isolation after I saw the look on a friend’s face. It floored me because that is not what I wanted or needed from that person. That look on her face made me realize that I was weak. I have not been a weak person for a long time. The death of my daughter changed that within me. I am weaker than ever. I am so weak that I have allowed myself to be consumed with every weakness possible as a grieving parent.
Not only did I start isolating myself from everyone but I started really bad habits like staying in bed all day, passing judgment on others, placing blame on others, not taking care of myself and not eating. I have never really been one to drink much alcohol but I did try some and it did not make me feel any better. I hated everything and everyone except for Dyrah.  I feel that I may have done more harm than good for this child. That is another story.
My Depression Monster has stolen the real me. I do not know who I am or what I am to do. I am just here and trying to find the real me within the Depression Monster. It is hard to know what is behind the doors that the Monster has for me to choose from. It is very scary because I live in fear. I live in doubt. I live in a world without certainty. I am alone.

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